Robert Carradine Mini-Tribute
“We have news for the Beautiful People: There are a lot more of us than are of you.”
Today, March 24th, is actor Robert Carradine’s birthday. Had he not taken his own life a month ago after battling bipolar disorder for decades, he would’ve been turning 72. That’s a lot of years of weathering emotional highs and lows and extreme up-down mood swings. Let’s hope he found some measure of peace at the very end. He certainly gave me and many other fans tons of comedic relief growing up. Like most people my age, I know him best for the iconic role of “Lewis Skolnick” in Revenge of the Nerds. But according to many obituary headlines, he was just as well regarded among the millennial and Gen Z set for something called The Lizzie McGuire Movie. I don’t know what a Lizzie McGuire is exactly, other than that she’s of Mouse House stock and played by Hilary Duff. And that’s about all I need to know. I’ll take the youngsters’ word for it that Carradine made for a fab Disney Dad.
For the purposes of this post, I’m much more interested in some of the other pre- and post-Nerds comedic outliers on Carradine’s resume that I’ve never seen. Or in one instance, haven’t seen in a REALLY LONG TIME. Outside of all the Nerds movies—and let’s be honest, there is only ONE REAL NERDS MOVIE (the PG-13 to made-for-TV diminishing returns of the three sequels are both depressing and staggering)—I’ve only seen a handful of other Robert Carradine efforts. There’s the pre-Heathers high school black comedy Massacre at Central High. There’s Walter Hill’s real-life brothers western team-up, The Long Riders, which Robert starred in with siblings David and Keith, not to mention the Brothers Keach, the Brothers Quaid, and the Brothers Guest. There’s Sam Fuller’s underrated WWII epic The Big Red One, also starring Lee Marvin and Luke Skywalker. Or how about Number One with a Bullet, the pretty solid Carradine-Billy Dee Williams buddy cop actioner that had the misfortune to come out the same year as Lethal Weapon and has now become a distant “number two” in that action franchise juggernaut’s shadow.
Other than those random ‘70s and ‘80s selections, my Bobby C knowledge was pretty scant. So the six movies below (or five, with one place holder) are my attempt to fill in some blanks. Of course, no Robert Carradine mini-tribute would be complete without me re-watching the first Revenge of the Nerds for about the 50th or 60th time. Rest assured, I did just that before viewing these other films. I even flipped my old double DVD disc over and gave Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise another chance. Unfortunately, that serious drop-off in quality and hilarity from the first film is still an inescapable fact. But in watching it all the way to the end, and being reminded that the Tri-Lambs take a militaristic turn during the climax in Fort Lauderdale, I was also reminded of two LB Kiddie Movie Posters that most assuredly owe some debt to the Nerds franchise as a whole…
Although it’s probably self-explanatory from the “U.S. Navy,” “Party U,” and simple “Beer” logos on this made-up movie poster, my pencil-scratch logline for Big Deal is as follows: “Some clean-cut military school graduates make a deal with some college party animals to switch schools and see who could last the longest.”
And here’s the accompanying review for this entirely fictitious film: “Decent college humor mixed with alot (sic) of cheap sight gags. Two and a half stars.” Considering that the copyright symbol on the poster says 1986, I’m thinking this was my half-imagined mash-up of the first Nerds movie and, I dunno, maybe Up the Academy? Anyway, here’s the second one…
Here’s the unearthed logline for M.I.A.: Moron’s in Action (no idea why that “s” has an apostrophe, btw): “Simon and Samon are back (unfortunately) as they accidentally get drafted into the special forces.” And here’s the mini-review: “Bad sight gags with no sense of humor. Give it up, Simon and Samon! Zero stars.”
Forty years later, I have zero recollection of who “Simon and Samon” were in my cavalcade of fake Hollywood movie stars or why I am so harsh on this “most unlikely group of heroes.” But judging from the no-frills poster drawing (seriously, I didn’t even do the fake crew credits this time…what gives?), I’m gonna guess this was a cross between Nerds 2 and Missing in Action 2.